Crazy is as crazy does

Being bipolar is hard. It's even harder when you're unmedicated. And, for me, it's even harder when you aren't sleeping. My doctor thinks part of the key to controlling my bipolar even a little is sleep. I deal with a lot sleep problems, in cooking school it even got to the point that the for an entire month I was getting 10-15 hours a week and was close to being hospitalized. Thankfully I got some sleep. When I was on my medications, I was getting better sleep. Now that I'm off my meds, I can stay up all night. I dont sleep well. In fact I'm not even sleeping in the same bed as Jonathan (and Olivier since we are still co-sleeping) I'm on a mattress in Oliviers room in the hopes I can sleep. It helps but not nearly as much. I'm tired, exhausted sometimes, and yet I still can't sleep and lord help any person who just tries to annoy me the next day. I can sleep, or lack there of, affecting my attitude and my mood. I can see it everyday, and even though I see it, I feel helpless to stop it. I wish everyday that there was nothing wrong me. I feel broken and I can't be fixed. Or I can be fixed but I have to see a doctor and take medication for the rest of my life, which really, really sucks. If you tell someone you're bipolar they think you're crazy. You think your crazy. You get paranoid that they are treating you differently. And some do. Some don't, some worry about you. Some don't care and act like jerks and call you crazy to your face, even if they are joking. I called myself crazy when I first got diagnosed. It made Mari mad. Over the months she convinced me that I'm not crazy, and now I can't stand when someone even jokes to me about being crazy. I told off my ex yesterday for that exact same reason. He's not speaking to me now, he 'doesn't feel like texting'. I felt like crap but sometimes, just sometimes, I have to do something thats right for me, and if it means telling off an insensitive jerk, well then that means I tell off my ex. And I have to admit, it did feel a little good.