Better Luck Next Time

Well it's been several months since Jonathan and I started trying for a second baby. We decided in January and here we are May 4th, going through our first miscarriage. I never thought that I would be part of the 20% of women who will have a pregnancy end in miscarriage. For some reason I, probably like so many other women, thought it wouldn't happen to me, couldn't happen to me. I was magically immune for some reason from suffering a miscarriage (or as the medical journal's call it, spontaneous abortion, a term that I am not ok with, in our world abortion is a choice, this was not my choice). My story is probably like so many others out there who have gone through an early miscarriage, but I'll tell it to you anyways.
Last week I started bleeding, I thought it was just my period rearing her ugly head early. Two days later, on Friday, I realized it had stopped completely. This was something I had never experienced before, a period lasting only two days or a period just stopping. A few friends encouraged me to take a pregnancy test. I did and quickly forgot about it, going out grocery shopping. When we got back I looked, shock of all shocks it was positive. And then the bleeding began again, although only a little this time. I spent the weekend chilling out, spending a lot of time in bed and the bleeding eventually stopped. Monday morning I called my doctor and she sent me for blood tests the next morning. I already had an appointment scheduled with her for my bipolar disorder (I see her once monthly while trying to figure out my medications since I was only diagnosed in December) so I went for my blood tests, went to work and anxiously got through my day to see what she said. Part of me was worried, any blood during pregnancy is worrisome, and part of me was hopeful, lots of women experience bleeding and go on to have healthy pregnancies. My worst fears were confirmed though. My hcG levels were low, very low at only 10. Usually at 4, almost 5 weeks you will be above 100 for sure, usually 400's, but they can also be as low as 5. There was still hope. The next morning my hope was almost wiped clean off the slate. I was bleeding. Alot. Worse than a regular period. The day after that I went for my blood tests again, to see if my levels went up, down, or stayed the same. I was pretty sure what the diagnosis would be, but a teeny part of me wanted to be the exception, the one where yea all that bleeding going on, well thats nothing to worry about. Fantasyland I know, but I wanted to hope, I wanted something to hold on to so I could get through my day at work. Talk about one of the least productive days at work in my life. I read a book all day (Insurgent by Veronica Roth if you're interested) and had my cell phone in my hand wherever I went. Finally, at 3.45 pm the call came. My doctor asked if I had had anymore bleeding. I told her it was pretty bad. She told me that my blood test now came back negative. That meant there was no longer any hcG in my system to indicate pregnancy (for those who don't know, hcG is a hormone produced by the placenta). I had officially miscarried. I knew this was going to be the outcome but I still got choked up as I sat there in the empty boardroom talking to her. My doctor explained that since I didn't have any medical intervention to expel (such a horrible word but at the moment I am at a loss for what to replace it with) the pregnancy tissue that we could start trying again right away. She also told me that even though this was my first loss, she would be following me closely with the next pregnancy, especially early on, lots of blood tests and lots of ultrasounds. For me that was good news. In Canada you only get 1 ultrasound unless there is a reason you would need more (to determine your due date early on, at the end to determine if the baby is head down incase the dr has a hard time telling, if there were abnormalities in the anatomy scan you get between 20-24 weeks etc). You can go to a private clinic if you want and pay out of pocket though. That was something that Jonathan and I had talked about doing with the next pregnancy if this one ended up in a loss. For both our peace of minds. Now we wont have to. My doctor is the best, she always lets you know all the possibilities so you are prepared, what the next step  would be, she explains anything you don't understand. She is very encouraging and believes that this is just one of those flukes, something that happens because of a chromosomal abnormality in the embryo. I think that could be a possibility but today when doing research I found that one of my medications, Cipralex, has a 1.7% chance of causing a miscarriage. For me, that's 1.7% too much. When I had gotten my positive last week, I stopped all my medications (Naproxen and Morophine for a herniated disc, yea I conceived with a herniated disc, that was fun, along with Trazadone to help me sleep and my Cipralex). Tonight I made the decision to not take any medications except for my prenatals and Diclectin, to help with morning sickness but I will also be taking it to help me sleep (for me one thing that helps my bipolar disorder is getting sleep, and I suffer from very very poor sleeping, I never get restful sleep, I'm awake every 20 minutes turning, not sleeping). I just don't want to take the chance, even if my doctor thinks that it was such a low chance that there was no risk at all. Me, I'm not so sure.